[you care and they shit on your heart..]

When God told me to leave my (well paid) job in a posh restaurant and go and look after old people, I just laughed and said that He can do that but I'm not going to wipe people's as...s for a minimum wage. and I think God just laughed at me. Anyway, I got a job in a care home and a year later I was complaining to God how hard physically and emotionally was to deal with these old people that come there to die. Plus, being at University was pretty stressfull too. And God gave me a new job to look after young adults with brain damage or some other neuropsychological illness. This job came from nowhere and I felt it was all I needed. I love my job now and I put 150% of myself when I work. I go this extra mile and do thing I'd only do to my family, not to the ones that I get paid for to look after...
And today I was called into a meeting where I was told the person I was looking after is accusing me of horrible things.. I was shocked. I felt like I've given my heart to that person and that person decided to shit on it and throw it down the toilet...
I'm just so hurt.. Never ever in my life I got slapped like that... Did I make a mistake of going this extra mile and doing thinngs that I would do to the loved ones..? God knows I didn't do anything wrong. In fact, everybody knows that I didn't do anything wrong. Everyone's in shock that this person chose me to pick on.
Oh well..... I'll get over it and go back to work on Saturday.
Goodnight...

[Inspiration..]

http://www.godscare.net/witness/index.htm

[This is me and Sam]

This is me and one of my rats -- Sam.. Here and NOW. x

[Night full on emptiness..]

Here I am again at 1.25am wide awake staring at the PC screen without being able to pull myself together and write a piece of my coursework. Somehow, something that was the biggest Dream of my Life became a hassle. How could I let it happen...?! I always had dreams about going to Uni, studying something interesting and then being proud of myself. I never cared about others being proud of me, anyway. If anyone is, then it's just a plus for me :)
..passive aggression and scary thoughts that I won't be able to get the results I want and I won't finish all my work that I need to finish. When I found out what was my 3rd year project about, I sat down and started to cry. No, not because I was just amazingly happy but because I was I was so angry and upset, I didn't know what else I was supposed to do. and so I cried. It was in psychophysics, investigating working sensory memory systems in primates. Ha! you're giving me a project like that???? WHF were they thinking??? It still looks (sometimes) like the world is trying to fail me... And I pray to Jesus, I tell my dear (real or cyber) friends about my worries and I don't sleep at night, and I just can't get my head around this psychophysical thing when my degree is in Psychology!!!!
Oh well.... I'm trying to write this Research Proposal which most likely will be (just) pass as I have no motivation to do anything whatsoever. What for..? Last time I wrote Research Proposal I got C and we were all told that Dr (whoever!) was nice to us as it was the first bit of coursework this year. So, what is it waiting for me then? D this time...?
Anyway, I'm still going to carry on writing for the rest of the night on autism, STS and whatever else I'm trying to write. I really couldn't care much..
yes, I can feel JC (Jesus Christ) staring at me and not being happy at all with this attitude towards uni when He got me into one of the best universities in the world..
But what can I do..? Work tomorrow all day... then 24hr shift on Sunday finishing on Monday morning, going home, working on my Research Proposal, then giving it in on Tuesday and everything is gonna start from the begining... Uni- work - Uni...
Oh well..... I better go back to reading all that boring stuff....
and yeah, I also got blamed (in a way) for2 people (one of them was a family member) that commited suicide that I wasn't there for them. Yeah, right... as if I can do much being miles away.. And as if it's not enough being away from my family anyway... Some people just don't get it.. There're things in life that you have no control over whether you blame yourself or not.
That's it for now...
xxx