[Small small steps..]

..towards the BIG life. I'm getting tired.. My Spirit is so old that my young bones just get tired carrying it sometimes..
God, I know one day it will all become easier. People always think beautiful people get on with life easier. Well, this is not true. When you got to go through life without anyone helping you, everything is hard. No matter how beautiful you are. And what's that all about? - Beauty doesn't give me any money, I have to go to work and look after people to get money. And plus, get on with my Uni stuff too.

Yeah, right. Who really cares...?

I know!

God does. And that's enough for me. I love Jesus...

[Life.Life? Life...]

How long does a presence last..?
- A few seconds…?
- One second?
- A moment…?
- How long..?

What do you call your LIFE?
- Your love?
- Your family?
- Your job?
- Food..?
- God..?
- What? Or Who…?

What makes you happy?
- Stranger’s smile?
- ‘ Hello’ from someone you thought has forgotten about you..?
- A hug?...
- Something else..?

How do you feel when you know the future..?
- Scared?
- Happy?
- Calm?
- Worried..?

What do you do when you can’t do anything..?
- Hide?
- Carry on trying to help even if you know that you can’t really help, no matter what you do..
- You just ignore the whole thing and say: ‘oh well, I can’t do anything about it’ and walk away..?

It’s Life.. Sometimes I wish I didn’t know some things or I didn’t feel in a certain way. Or I wasn’t the way I am.. Or I didn’t care.. Or that I never wanted to help others. Or I didn’t blame myself for not managing to ‘fix’ people. Especially, the loved ones.. Sometimes I can’t help and I can’t calm down until I get the feeling that ‘this is it. I’ve done my job. The rest is up to God to do.’ And sometimes, I just can’t let go if I don’t get that feeling and the person doesn’t want my help.. I can’t turn around and walk away. But sometimes I have to. And it hurts. And I never forget that (s)he pushed me away when I tried to help.
Every morning I draw my face in the mirror and promise to do something good. And every night I ask God whether I’ve done anything good or not. And on some days I know I have, and on the other days.. I know I haven’t. And this is Life.. People come and go.. You visit different places.. You find Home.. You find your Time.. Your Person.. Your Love.. And your LIFE.. Finally, you become a Person you always wanted to be. And you behave in a way that you think is the best.

Tomorrow is a new day. And I won’t give up trying to ‘fix’ my parents.. At least.. now they know how much they mean to me and they know I want to help. I’d give so much to hug them both and tell them that everything’s going to be ok. I want them to be strong for a little bit longer.. Maybe I’ll manage to ‘fix’ them in July? But I need them to want my help..
I pray that I’m not too late.. And hope that God changes the future..

Goodnight.

[Ieva--Sugalvok Man]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qI8N--c_fus&feature=related

[Fixing people..]

I'm one of those that ALWAYS try to fix people. And just recently I understood that it's ME that needs fixing most..

[Envy..]

I don't know whether I envy anyone's life.. Maybe sometimes. Maybe those people that had my dreams come true.. I look at them and think - God, What's about me..?